There's something I want to put here that I've never written about.

Depression and suicide.

See, this all begins with me. In high school I was about as "alive" as a rotting plank of wood. Zombified by chronic depression, I was constantly finding myself in a life and death struggle. On one hand, I was miserable. Life sucked, my friends didn't give a flying fuck about me and often tried to use me. My grades were horrific {too smart to be in school, too depressed to do homework}, and home life was unstable. The parents were always threatening to kick me out of the house and made a point of reminding me of all my failures, etc.

The psychotic cycle was intensified by the few freakish events where I thought death was upon me and I was fighting to live, as well as facing the possible death of my dad. One moment I was depressed and suicidal, the next I was fighting to live or help someone else live.

Four years of this chaos ruled my life. Always dependent on friends to help me out of the darkness and always fighting to keep my friends from falling into the suicidal cycle, I didn't have much of a life.

One bright June morning, high school ended.

Just like that, it was over. Well, mostly. I'd still have a few breakdowns before I finished my first semester of college, but I wouldn't qualify myself as dangerous. I thought I won the battle with the beast. Life was good and I had grown accustomed to being alone.

What I want to say is, despite all appearances, I'm not some happy-go-lucky airhead that keeps a diary of useless garbage. At the same time, I'm not some depressive personality that feels comfortable draped in sorrow. I'm always walking that line and praying for the day when there is no fine line...only happiness.

This past week has been a dangerous cycle of ups and downs. I wanted to take my own life several times, and found moments where all I wanted was to celebrate it.

I hope to all those who have had to deal with the same amount of grief and pain I have had that they can find their inner strengths and learn to overcome it. Enjoy life, it's beautiful here. Learn to love and be loved, and you will begin to see just how trivial these fears are.

added by aqua-luna on 12.11.02 2:25 a.m.