Still caught in the wishy-washy struggle of figuring out who and what I am.

I realize now that's why I've chosen to take an astrology class.

Today was another odd day. I did hardly anything except waste time. I felt sadness, a great burden from who-the-hell knows where, take over me. There were moments when I cried, moments where I laughed, moments where I smiled, but basically I felt insignificant and wanted to disappear.

Why, you ask?

Something in the way my friends make me feel. I can't trust that they'll be there for me when I need them if they're not there all the time. I question friend #1's depression and friend #2's busy schedule. Little by little I think I'm beginning to discern lies from truth, and not necessarily just in this relationship.

But why I don't fit.

One moment I'm the hero, then the anti-hero, then the standby, and then the screenwriter. People keep telling me over and over who they think I am and I listen because I have not a clue.

I'm spiritual and a scientist. I'm logical and creative. I'm black and white, this and that, yin and yang, and oh my, that list drags on.

I want to cry.

Frustration lies in everyone I know having at least some grasp on who they are while I have none. I even refuse to believe that my parents are truly my parents. No joke.

A shadowy figure standing alone in the back of the room, awaiting a chance to speak. Years ago, I could have at least pretended I had something worthwhile to say. Now, I just speak and hope something worth my time and effort comes out. Usually it's just the opposite.

At least I think I saw my first dragon tonight. I don't know what it was, but it was definitely a large flying creature that seemed dragonlike.

So that was my night.

added by aqua-luna on 10.28.02 10:16 p.m.